-after ‘Get Carter’
After ‘Get Carter’ we
Came out depressed and confused.
As Americans, we didn’t know
What was meant by ‘the smoke’
And didn’t like the scene
Where Michael Caine was eaten
By a cloud of white columbine petals.
Our friend said I was very disappointed.
On the poster Michael Caine
Has a pump-action shot-gun.
In the movie he never had
A pump-action shot-gun.
But one of the bad guys had one.
After ‘Get Carter’ all 500 of us,
Me and the boys and whoever,
All went back to Michael Caine’s place
For a giant orgy and some Malibu shooters.
We never felt so nice as when
He stood on his antique plinth
Of polished mammoth bone and shouted
Take yer bluddy brawrs ovv
Through the cardboard megaphone
That was once John Wayne’s thin tongue.
In the morning we all enlisted in the army.
We wanted to learn to be tough.
We shot wildly in public with our
Pump-action shot-guns. We shot a man
In a white coat off a tall column.
We wanted to replicate the stunt where Carter
Eases his fingers into the surface of a brick
Like it was marmalade. We wanted to do the trick
Where he jumps and keeps rising, and rising.
We drove our white car off the pier into the sea.
After ‘Get Carter’ we realized
We shouldn’t have shown the film to Frank.
We didn’t want to die. Michael Caine with gritted teeth,
Caressed our breasts and buttocks. We didn’t want to die.
He was an extraordinary man, we all agreed,
And the car park erupted in song as we plunged
From the peak of every half-built high-rise.
We made a joke about John Osborne in free-fall.
We left a bloody mess. That’s how we phrased it.
In the drug-store women argued about how far we fell,
How far our orange-red nostalgia blood sprayed,
the general consensus being very, very far
and at least 90 stories.